


Snowball Fight

by spockandawe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Pesterlog, Snowball Fight, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 18:00:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5173778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockandawe/pseuds/spockandawe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>TG:</b> is this no holds barred or do we have any rules of engagement here<br/><b>TG:</b> idk<br/><b>TG:</b> like maybe headshots arent a thing<br/><b>TG:</b> shit like that<br/><b>GG:</b> a snowball fight without headshots isnt any kind of snowball fight i want to be part of!!<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Snowball Fight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kanussie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanussie/gifts).



> [Tumblr](http://spockandawe.tumblr.com/post/132848442041/snowball-fight-spockandawe-homestuck-archive)

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] \--  
  
TG: so  
TG: are there any rules to this showdown or  
GG: no powers!  
GG: seriously i just got done telling you that  
TG: no i mean i got that part  
TG: but like  
TG: is this no holds barred or do we have any rules of engagement here  
TG: idk  
TG: like maybe headshots arent a thing  
TG: shit like that  
GG: a snowball fight without headshots isnt any kind of snowball fight i want to be part of!!  
TG: fair enough  
GG: if you get a handful of snow down someones pants you win automatically  
TG: okay now hold your horses  
TG: i cant help noticing a little something  
TG: you say pants right there  
TG: enlighten me  
TG: what are you wearing again  
GG: a skirt? :)  
TG: i see  
GG: semantics!!  
TG: semantics  
TG: now as one of the unwashed uneducated masses you may not have realized this  
TG: but my shiny new degree in apparel physics qualifies me to make some interesting conclusions here  
TG: if i put a handful of snow down your skirt what happens to it  
TG: it falls out of your skirt  
TG: it falls right out the bottom of your skirt  
GG: that does definitely sound like a problem  
GG: but im sure that if you think long and hard youll be able to come up with a solution!! :D  
GG: doctor strider  
GG: if you got a nonterminal ms you could even be master strider  
GG: master of pants  
TG: i see you taunting me over there  
TG: but i still cant help but notice that these winning conditions of yours only work in one direction  
GG: it isnt my fault you decided to let me make the rules!  
GG: or you could have just worn a skirt and saved yourself all this trouble  
GG: dave youre really showing some poor judgment today :(  
TG: i cant really argue with you there  
TG: but i would like you to imagine me giving you the biggest and saddest puppy eyes  
TG: so big  
TG: so sad  
TG: you feel that guilt starting to bubble up  
TG: just remember that  
GG: umm are you implying you can out-puppy me??? :O  
GG: dave im insulted :(  
GG: and hurt!  
GG: youd better watch out  
GG: you never know what ill do when im upset like this  
TG: ah yes  
TG: such genuine emotion  
TG: you are definitely very hurt and i have so much to be sorry for  
TG: …  
TG: so  
TG: i cant help but notice that the airspace around me is suddenly occupied  
TG: by a number of floating snowballs  
GG: floating snowballs?  
GG: imagine! :O  
TG: what was that about not using our god tier powers again  
GG: i just warned you!  
GG: and you didnt even listen  
TG: that was less than a minute ago  
TG: and yet here we are  
TG: in snowball bullet hell  
TG: why miss harley  
TG: one might almost think youd planned this  
GG: oh dont give me that!!  
GG: you started it!!!!  
TG: what  
TG: no i didnt  
GG: dont even try mister  
GG: ive been feeling daves pop in and out all over the place since this conversation started!  
TG: whoa you cant hold me responsible for that  
TG: future daves doing their future thing  
TG: ive just been sitting here like a good little punching bag  
TG: watching the snowball pack circle  
TG: waiting to come in for the kill  
GG: future daves doing their future thing still means youre going to cheat!  
GG: dont even front  
GG: dave-based cheating is inevitable  
GG: so im just taking preemptive anti-cheating measures >:)  
TG: so you cheated first  
GG: no!!  
TG: hmm  
TG: welp  
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 5 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.  
PTG: ill have you know that i am acting in literal self defense at this moment  
GG: see!!  
GG: youre right where you were when i had you pinned arent you  
GG: i felt you there when you were still walking around and letting me make the rules  
GG: i knew you were going to cheat! >:D  
PTG: see now  
PTG: some might argue that using your spacey powers to keep tabs on where i am  
PTG: well  
PTG: i wouldn’t say im the first person to cheat here  
PTG: just  
PTG: saying  
GG: but its like my ears!!  
GG: i cant just turn my ears off :(  
GG: and also i cant go after you when youre in the past!  
PTG: yeah see  
PTG: that situation I just bailed out of  
PTG: its like turning off my sense of self preservation  
PTG: also not happening  
PTG: im prepared to take all the beatings you can dish out with your own two hands  
PTG: im surprised there was any snow left on the planet after you pulled that  
PTG: land of frost and frogs  
PTG: or at least thats what we called it until jade decided to cheat in a snowball fight  
PTG: now it’s the land of dirt and frogs  
PTG: land of used to be snow and frogs  
PTG: land of jades a dirty filthy cheater and frogs  
GG: you can call me a cheater all you want but youre still in the past where I cant do anything!  
GG: but i guess the longer you spend there the closer you get to where I decide to take action  
GG: against everyone and everything >:D  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 7 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.  
FTG: yeah that sounded ominous  
GG: hey!!!!  
GG: unfair!  
GG: and i bet in seven minutes im still going to remember to go after you  
GG: so you arent just a cheater  
GG: youre a DUMB cheater  
FTG: hey im trying to play as close to the rules as i can without dying an actual literal death from snowball assault  
GG: even if you die youll probably revive? :D  
FTG: i think that sounded more reassuring in your head  
GG: rrrrrrrrrggghhh there are like three of you right now and I can FEEL you and none of you are answering me!  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.  
CTG: hey look im right now and im answering you  
CTG: im like a magical wish granting snow fairy over here  
GG: okay then  
GG: no wait youre gone already!!  
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 2 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.  
PTG: yes  
PTG: because im not an idiot  
PTG: i can see how this shit is going to go  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.  
CTG: now im here and answering again  
CTG: im being so helpful surely you wouldnt beat up a poor helpless boy whos only trying to make you happy  
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 1 MINUTE AGO responded to chat.  
PTG: see now  
PTG: that was a lot of snowballs  
PTG: you arent really meeting me halfway here  
PTG: youre creating a hostile environment for us to communicate in  
PTG: you should really try to work on that  
GG: hmm  
GG: one minute ago?  
GG: i wonder if that was when i did the thing?  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 9 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.  
FTG: JADE  
FTG: jade  
FTG: okay  
FTG: so  
FTG: it looks like im maybe  
FTG: a foot or three shorter than I used to be  
FTG: im not sure it is a little hard to estimate these things  
FTG: i dont want to point any fingers here  
FTG: but do you have any idea who might be responsible for this  
GG: >:DDDDDDDD  
GG: dont complain  
GG: you arent THAT much shorter  
GG: you did get away before i got you as small as I wanted :T  
FTG: oh  
FTG: i got away before you got me as small as you wanted  
FTG: thats so comforting  
FTG: youre very good at this reassurance thing you should definitely do it more often  
FTG: you have a real talent  
GG: oh stop whining!  
GG: its super temporary  
GG: you just have to come back and show yourself and i can fix everything  
FTG: oh yeah  
FTG: you know what this day hasnt been good for  
FTG: trust  
FTG: you know what this is a perfectly good height i never liked reaching the top shelf anyways  
GG: oh stop that!  
FTG: im not coming back there to face snowball hell  
FTG: my body isnt ready  
GG: dave  
GG: daaaaaaaaave  
GG: this is war!!  
GG: alls fair in love and war so were double qualified!  
GG: you had your chance to make rules and you didnt do anything about it  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.  
CTG: oh I was supposed to psychically divine that you had to be told not to shrink me to pocket size  
CTG: that makes sense  
GG: there you are!!!!  
CTG: …  
CTG: what  
GG: ????  
GG: youre bigger now  
GG: try to keep up!  
CTG: nope  
CTG: sorry to disappoint but im still my size barbie dave  
GG: …  
GG: are you sure??  
CTG: im drowning in snowbanks now  
CTG: i am pretty sure  
GG: ……………  
CTG: jade  
GG: …………………………  
CTG: jade  
CTG: did you just resize the wrong dave  
GG: ……………………………………………… maybe :I  
CTG: and so this bullshittery is guaranteed to continue  
CTG: for how long we know not  
CTG: can I hope that giant dave is at least around doing his thing  
CTG: so i can maybe catch up with wtf i even need to do to keep the fabric of time in order  
CTG: how big even is he  
CTG: am i  
CTG: is this honey i blew up the baby dave  
CTG: you know what im perfectly fine with that  
GG: hush!!  
GG: im trying to figure out where he went  
GG: there are so many of you around and only ONE of you is talking to me and none of you will stop time traveling!  
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.  
PTG: what can i say im an agent of chaos  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 1 MINUTE FROM NOW responded to chat.  
FTG: my only joy in life is now making your life more difficult  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.  
FTG: slash looking for a regular sized dave  
FTG: or even my missing giant dave compatriot  
FTG: i need him or this mini me act will never get off the ground  
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.  
FTG: ill stop time traveling all over the place if you give me  
FTG: one MILLION dollars  
GG: stop!!  
GG: there are like SIX of you right now im losing track!  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.  
CTG: unless theres seven  
GG: aaaaah youre hopeless! >:O  
CTG: oh  
CTG: hey  
CTG: you resized the right dave this time  
CTG: that’s actually pretty awesome  
CTG: all according to keikaku  
CTG: (keikaku means plan)  
GG: im trying to be helpful!  
CTG: thats sweet of you  
CTG: if tragically naive  
CTG: cast your mind back  
CTG: who was it that said all was fair in love and war?  
GG: okay mister i still know which current dave you actually are  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 5 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.  
FTG: do you  
FTG: do you really  
FTG: and i mean thats apart from all the other times ive jumped around where i didnt bother to message you  
FTG: daves lying in wait  
FTG: mapping out the lay of the land  
FTG: ill have you know that this game is taking literal years of stakeout time off my life  
GG: aw dave!  
GG: dont worry im sure its only taking months  
GG: and hey!  
GG: that means ive been hitting you with snowballs this whole time and you havent said anything!  
GG: rude!!! >:O  
PAST turntechGodhead [PTG] 4 MINUTES AGO responded to chat.  
PTG: youre right my apologies i should really have been on my phone the whole time you were concussing me to hell and back  
GG: you were fine with headshots before!  
GG: but are you concussed??  
GG: we can stop if you need to  
PTG: hmm im not sure  
PTG: i am seeing double  
GG: ……………  
GG: ……………………………………………………  
GG: is it double daves  
PTG: maybe  
GG: you know what  
GG: what is this  
GG: four minutes ago?  
PTG: why  
PTG: oh  
PTG: fuck  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.  
CTG: okay jade i am right here right now i would like to stop being supersize dave please and thank you  
CTG: i am hitting my head on the branches  
CTG: this is not an ideal situation  
GG: gosh!!  
GG: there are so many daves if only I knew which was the right one  
GG: i guess id better try shrinking all of you???  
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 15 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to chat.  
FTG: WAIT  
FTG: fuck  
FTG: dont shrink anybody  
FTG: im gone you wont shrink me even if you try  
GG: oh no!! :O  
GG: maybe id better try shrinking a few daves just to be on the safe side  
GG: yes?  
GG: no???  
GG: what im saying here is that you have no way to win >:)  
GG: you know  
GG: in case you hadnt caught on quite yet  
FTG: idk  
FTG: maybe i could be the new sasquatch of lofaf  
FTG: wandering through the trees in the snow  
FTG: telling passing travellers tales of the cruelty of my girlfriend  
GG: dont be a baby!!!  
GG: this is easy to fix  
GG: all i need is your unconditional surrender >:)  
FTG: ok but see  
FTG: you may notice the number of daves about the place  
GG: ive noticed a lot of daves!  
GG: and ive made a lot of daves regret that they ever crossed me >:DDDD  
FTG: im aware  
FTG: trust me  
FTG: im not sure if you realize that all those poor battered daves are secretly all the same dave  
FTG: because theyre all the same dave  
GG: and im still sitting right where I started and nobody even bothered to throw a single snowball at me! :O  
FTG: are you done beating me into submission or do you want to get a few more hits in  
GG: i just want to be sure we both know who the snowball fight champion is!! :D  
FTG: i think the current champion should lose her crown for reasons of being a no good dirty rotten cheater  
GG: technically you cheated first!!!  
FTG: ok no technically there is this little thing called time travel you may have heard of it and it renders that argument completely invalid  
GG: i think dave just hates fun :(((((  
FTG: dave hates getting tree branches stuck in his hair  
GG: then dave just has to come back TO THE PRESENT so that i can do something about it! :PPPP  
FTG: shit you know what I dont even care anymore  
FTG: ill take the snowball hell  
FTG: ill take the ceremonial snow pantsing  
FTG: I would just like to be able to occupy a reasonable amount of space again  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to chat.  
CTG: okay  
CTG: so i stopped on the way to check myself out  
CTG: sitting here all fun sized and having a conversation with you  
CTG: and jade  
CTG: in what universe did you think you were turning tiny me back into regular size  
GG: its not an exact science!  
GG: and i was doing it over long distance!  
GG: and dont complain you arent THAT big  
CTG: not that big huh  
CTG: i don’t fit through the trees like this  
CTG: youve trapped me in the saddest loneliest tree prison  
CTG: left me to rot  
CTG: oh will i ever know the comfort of a roof over my head again  
CTG: maybe my real friends will come and build a house around me  
GG: well gosh maybe I could fix you if I was certain which dave you were  
GG: there’s still a few of you lurking around!  
GG: i can always just start guessing and see how long we can draw this mess out :P  
CTG: no its okay ill wait for you  
CTG: i can use my sword to mark off the days on these trunks  
CTG: ill tame the hummingbirds  
CTG: theyll be my only friends  
CTG: they can bring me food and water  
GG: oh stop!! im halfway to you already.  
GG: at least i think its you  
CTG: im tired and im hungry  
CTG: and my tails froze  
CTG: and my nose is froze  
CTG: and my ears are froze  
CTG: and my toes are froze  
GG: dont you quote disney at me  
GG: you dont even have a tail!  
GG: but my skirt is soaked  
GG: i should probably change that when we get home  
GG: and then we can warm up together!! :D  
CTG: hey  
CTG: hey jade  
GG: what?  
CTG: guess what time travel is good for  
GG: im going to guess thats a rhetorical question :P  
CTG: its good for going back home to run a hot bath and line up some hot chocolate  
GG: !!!!!  
GG: ahhhh youre the best!  
GG: i knew there was a reason i kept you around  
GG: im almost there and then I can port us home and get you all warmed up  
GG: ill see you in just a minute okay? <3  
  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr](http://spockandawe.tumblr.com/post/132848442041/snowball-fight-spockandawe-homestuck-archive)


End file.
